As you mindlessly splatter paint upon the canvas..

Anyone else kinda feel like they pushed away the only person they’ve ever truly loved?

I am so le confused right now. But I know it’s my own fault that we lost it. I can’t, and don’t want you back now, but I’m still angry with myself. and it kills me to think you may forget everything we had one day. Why do we all have to have a tragic first love? Especially one which lasted over three years of my life. It’s all changed now, you’ve changed and I’ve changed. Maybe that’s a good thing to keep telling myself, but other people can work through it…

I wish I could know for certain that I can really be in love with someone again - to feel safe, secure, happy and have someone there to always talk to. On the other hand I am liking most parts of ‘singledom’, and I like that I can go out and really find myself now. I really need to find myself again. It feels like I used to be so much better than I am now, in pretty much every way.

But then again I still hate things. I hate how you’re having so much fun now and never would with me. I hate how you make so much more effort with everyone else than you ever would with me. I hate how you can just forget me. I hate how you just stopped wanting me in your life. I hate how it all happened in conjunction with the start of my anxiety/panic attacks and you just did not care. I’m still angry for all that. and then there’s the dread of you moving on, and all bridges between us burned.

I know I’m whining, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to forget it and I’ll always care for you and I know we’re not right for each other now… but that’s because of me. How am I meant to forgive myself? I don’t even know if I deserve anything good. and I haven’t even spoken about how I feel like I’m drifting along each day, trying not to dwell and never feeling awake. Symptom of anxiety though apparently. 

Fuck my brain. Fuck my life. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

These antibiotics are disgusting. I went to the doctors about my panic attack and they just said I need to see my proper home doctor, which means I have to find time out of no-where to get it sorted. And these antibiotics are for a stomach infection I have as well o.o

ah maan. Idk who to talk to. Whenever I post stuff on facebook about how crap I feel from this break up I just see other posts saying “stfu moaning if you’re not going to sort it”. How am I meant to sort this feeling? 

Been feeling pretty hopeless recently. /sigh

ivanoooze:

so many people i know irl broke up this month its so sad

like there was 11 couples

and now there’s 3

how sad

I’m one of those! along with 2 other couples I know. There’s seriously something weird going on with people at the moment.

(Source: dekutree)